To Those Who Give Unschooling A Bad Name
Just when I started feeling comfortable referring to myself as an unschooler or even a radical unschooler, I have decided to pull back, retreat if you will. I love the authentic ideas and practice of unschooling / radical unschooling (RU). I love talking about it and reading about it. What I don’t love is someone, somewhere deciding if I am “doing it right.” That is what held me back from outwardly identifying myself as an unschooler for so long–the judgment—John Holt wrote and spoke about unschooling then a few interpreted it and THEY decide if we are doing it right or wrong? I don’t like that.
Maybe it’s not even really that. Because I do understand for clarity sake that you don’t call yourself an unschooler and then make your kid wear a coat because YOU think it’s cold or you coerce your kids into doing what you want etc…I have been judgmental in the past too. Deciding if Mrs A is really an unschooler when she is telling me about her kids having to do just a little bit of school work or Mrs. B’s kids only being “allowed” a certain amount of screen time, sleep time etc…Who cares ? Who am I to judge? And why spend my time or focus my energy doing that? Good way to turn people off to unschooling!
Yet really what is important here is me, my family and what I am doing. I don’t need to be concerned what my neighbors family is doing and what they are calling it. I think taking the judgement away just allows us to be-and be authentic to what is important to our family-not the unschooling movement. Yeah-this is going to make me unpopular. Because believe it or not-even in unschooling-even the virtual unschooling world-there is a hierarchy and it is very clickish. It’s sort of like… hmmm… school! Or the lifestyle we are trying to separate ourselves from by making these radical choices.
I have a problem with the amount of respect that is supposed to be extended to children in this movement yet it is definitely not always extended in the same way to adults. I can say, ” Oh who cares!” to a lot and nothing directly happened to me to cause me to write this post. But I am seeing a holier than thou attitude on line and I don’t want any part of that. Sure I may sport a bumper sticker that claims, MY UNSHOOLED STUDENT WILL HIRE YOUR HONOR STUDENT and I have been taken to the mat for it by a fellow unschooler and good friend. My defense may be “Lighten up-it’s a joke.” I haven’t even thought about that conversation again until I started writing this-but if that bumper sticker connects me to those that are making unschooling an exclusive dogmatic religion-than I don’t really want to call myself an unschooler.
Maybe it’s all in a name or the label. I want unschooling support and I want to be able to give unschooling support but don’t know if I want to call it unschooling if that label causes exclusion. So maybe just saying we are living an authentic life is a better fit for me. You can call yourself whatever you want-it shouldn’t concern me. Reformed unschoolers? I know this ‘name calling” was hashed out earlier this year (and probably several other times). People want a sense of belonging, a village, to find their people. And a way to that sense of community is sometimes in a name because the name identifies the groups ideology as a whole. Maybe an off shoot would be a better place for me to lend and get support. I know in one breath I am saying I shouldn’t care what the neighbors think and in the next I am renaming and starting a different branch. I think it is still my need for support with in my own comfort level-so I am also being exclusive too I guess. Although, I would rather see it as inclusive. Semantics? Maybe.
I used to read a few unschooling lists when we first started unschooling. I remember being sort of unnerved and scared off by some of what I read. It seemed that some of the “authorities” on unschooling were very judgmental and harsh in their response to on line questions and scenarios. So I turned away from those lists, found some local support and my own way to unschooling. I have since re joined some lists and now that the virtual world is almost more popular than the real world with lists, blogs, facebook and twitter all wanting to give you what you need, it is really easy to get pulled into this exclusive, negative dogma part of unschooling. The message hasn’t changed much. The same self appointed authorities are still rudely ruling the lists. I swear not all unschoolers are like this-if you have read these lists and blogs and are turned off -you are not alone!! It all seems so religious to me-the dogma, the preachers the exclusion. So separatist.
So-I’m out. Wanting to be part of the in-crowd and bring hits to my blog isn’t being very authentic. I am moving off line a bit and back to my in person, real life. Spending too much time reding what I am supposed to do in what “everyone else” is doing instead of just following my heart and spending time with family and friends. I got what I needed from those lists and unschoolers and now I am choosing to take what I like and leave the rest behind-not a popular idea in the radical unschoolers world! (The all or nothing, black and white world.) I am choosing to be true to my family and not an idea. I know I am not the only “unschooler” who feels this way and when others have tried to voice this opinion they have been flamed and kicked off lists. Whatever. I am very lucky to have in real life support. I just hope I can extend the authenticity and acceptance that I seek to others as well.
I have been listening to Amy Childs Whatever, Whatever Amen podcasts. I love them-I can’t listen to them fast enough or find the time to listen to all of them. But they are powerful, uplifting and POSITIVE. They send a happy message. The podcasts speak more to living an authentic life and no so much to labeling your whole life unschooling (although she certainly talks about and uses the term unschooling ). If you are looking for a more positive spin on this lifestyle I encourage you to listen.
I much prefer Amy’s way of sharing the authentic life
Tags: blog, Children, choices, coerce, community, facebook, family, friend, friends, Happy, homeschool, in-crowd, john holt, judgement, judgment, Kids, lifestyle, MY UNSHOOLED, podcasts, Radical, respect, screen time, support, twitter, unschool, unschooler, Unschoolers, unschooling, unschooling movement
I do think that sometimes, especially online where it’s so much easier to be meaner or harsher than people would normally be to someones face, there really isn’t enough respect shown, and that just turns people off, is hurtful, and doesn’t do anyone any good. I have many friends in the unschooling community, know many truly awesome people, and think that sometimes people appear more “clickesh” than they actually are (this is coming from a relative newcomer, who’s found that though sometimes it seems everyone has their own little exclusive group, that’s often not the case at all, and they’re actually really welcoming!). I know what it feels like to feel judged or unwelcome, so I always try my damnedest to be as welcoming as my shy personality permits to everyone I come across!
I’ve heard this sentiment from many people, and it truly saddens me. I really love unschooling, I really want others to discover the joy in it, and I really want them to feel supported on their path, the same way *I* want to feel supported on my path. I guess there’s still a lot of work to do in that area…
Peace,
Idzie
The final straw was when a famous unschool zealot told me I was unfairly restricting my children when I said I didn’t want my 2 and 4 y/o daughters around guns.
I call our family “relaxed eclectic homeschoolers.” Sometimes I use words like child-led. I’ve spent nearly 12 years figuring out what works with these four kids and our path is a really wonderful one as far as any of us are concerned (kids included). I don’t need a stamp of approval from anyone else.
It’s a shame that some in the unschooling community are so strident, because they alienate so many people who share the same fundamental values. And really, nice matters. Or at least it should.
Never mind labeling yourself. You are a fabulous mom with fabulous kids and a fabulous blog, and people will visit and love you no matter what words you use for yourself.
Weirdo.
I know what you mean about how rude some of the people can be online. I have never been in a online argument about unschooling, don’t want to.
Love your hamburger cake, that is pretty awesome. Also the experiment you did with the cereal and magnets.
Hope you enjoy the rest of your week!
Here’s a great story – - I spoke to my single mom sister-in-law yesterday in PA and she informed me that her 1st grader (my niece Ali) is receiving troubling feedback from the teacher. Apparently Ali corrects the teacher when the teacher makes mistakes, she reads at a 3rd grade or above level, she gets her work done too fast (although correctly) and HERE IT COMES – “Ali has an alpha-dog problem.”
I was horrified and offered to drive to PA and go to the next conference. I am quite certain that my very bright niece has no idea what an alpha dog is and this is exactly what I’d tell the teacher.
It is quite clear to me that Ali is not only bored, but smarter than her teacher and the teacher is threatened. It is so pathetic. If only the teacher would give Ali projects and challenge her academically, not only would Ali LOVE school, but she’d probably be a great asset to her peers!
I’ll keep you posted on the conference – I have every intention of going and letting that school hate me too!
“I am choosing to be true to my family and not an idea.” – totally agree! doesn’t make me fit neatly into a box or label at all – but, in the end, it is the truth and so i must find/follow it.
Rana
Just because I can totally relate.
I’ve stopped for a while, and then put the badge on again.
Around four years ago I was saying “it sure is dogmatic for something that isn’t supposed to have any rules!”
Can make you feel really unaccepted (kicked out before you even get started) and lonely and judged.
‘ Not a big fan of being judged.
Anyway, thank you for writing about this.
http://familyrun.ning.com/forum/topics/bullying-1?page=6&commentId=2184370:Comment:129476&x=1#2184370Comment129476
It seems that any time I brought this issue up in the past, those who disagreed would assume that I just wanted to blow sunshine up everyone’s butt and deliver pats on the head. I think there is a happy medium that is neither syrupy nor abusive, just respectful.