Pepper Paints

Happy Birthday Molly!!

You greeted me in the kitchen this morning at 6:50 AM with two of the seven kids you had spending the night for your 11th birthday party. The three of you had decided early into the party that you would  be staying up all night. And just like you-you met the challenge! Your drive and inner strength never ceases to amaze me. Yet I am sorry for the times when I expect this strength from you. It is easy to forget how young you still are. You have become quite a young lady in the past year. The pre teen years are not an easy time. I know it is both a public and internal struggle and I promise I will try to be more patient with you. You deserve that and so much more my middle child-and all the baggage that comes with that placement.

It is a beautiful sunny day today much like the day you were born. About this time 11 years ago Tanya, Nina and Kellie were rubbing my swollen feet with essential oils trying to help me relax and and encourage my labor. (this is after they made me drink caster oil and root beer shots but I really try to forget that awful part)  Mostly because at this point my water had been broken for 34 hrs and you still were not ready to come out! So stubborn!! We chatted as I drank tea (that tasted like dirt) and opened my mouth and lifted my tongue for tincture after tincture that burned holes in my gums. I was pretty tired because I had been running the steps the previous day (while rubbing my nipples  to try to jump start my labor). So now I was ready to be pampered a bit. Your Dad and I headed to the bath tub and sure enough around noon my contractions really started. You were by far the easiest of my three births. About 4 1/2 hours later you were born in our bed with  Jake cheering you on. By 7:00 that night we were all sitting on the couch eating Chinese food and watching the Disney movie (Fly Away Home, I think).  You were easy going and so beautiful-dare I say one of the most beautiful babies I had ever seen. And today you have certainly grown into that beauty. But not with out a fight-that red hair brings much fire with it but that is what makes you so special!! I keep reminding myself that fire will serve you well-it is what will drive you so far ahead of the rest. What may be a disadvantage to some, is to you a different and better way of doing things. Your creativity, individuality, spunk and drive are so astounding to me. I can’t wait to see what the next year brings for you!! I love you  Molly!!  Happy, Happy Birthday!

(I wish I had some baby photos to share-I need to learn to scan!!)

I Choose You Happiness

Sometimes I don’t even know what I need. I go looking for one thing and find another. Sometimes I cast that odd other thing aside thinking I don’t need it and sometimes I hold on to it for dear life, like a new treasure to add to my collection. But funny thing is, that collection has to start somewhere. Often times it begins with a second or third or fourth exposure  (because sometimes I am slow, stubborn or deaf)  to that odd other thing that I cast away earlier. It keeps popping up and continues to catch my eye and then fills my thoughts and I begin to obsess over it. Then I go back searching for those tidbits I tossed aside earlier. I sort through stuff trying to remember wear I saw it. I find other things along the way to add in and after some back tracking and hard work I have the beginnings of a wonderful collection.

For years I have  had this vision of what I wanted my family to be. It sort of looks like an old Kodachrome, or an 8mm movie camera playing a film of strawberry blond kids, happily running through a meadow. Ridiculous, I know. But I am a visual person and the part that sticks out in that picture for me is the happiness and joy part of the picture. The part that I feel is missing from my picture,  my family.

At the end of 2009 I told my friends that I was turning over a new leaf. I was going to be a nicer person. When really I meant I was going to find MY joy and happiness. I think I have been looking for it in all the wrong places. No one is going to bring it to me, it’s not in a book or off of a shelf. Recently I  realized it  has been with me all along. And I didn’t even know it. Happiness really is a choice, it is within my power to just Be Happy. Stepping outside of my normal response or mind set is just a beginning of bringing on that  happiness.

I am going to tie this all together I promise!

Last week we attended The Unschoolers Winter Water Park Gathering for 4  days. This is the third year we have attended but this is the longest we have stayed and the most actual conference sessions we have attended.  These speakers said exactly what I needed to hear. Not what I wanted mind you, but what I needed. We rehashed these conference discussions 12 billion times over the next several days and a funny thing happened-I went from being dumbfounded and even pissed off a little to questioning and  then more discussion and then to an openness that I didn’t anticipate in the least.  See, unschooling is about so much more than just not doing school. It’s even more than just letting your kids decide how they want to fill their time and how they want to dress or not cut their hair and dye it blue. I knew that, but I learned again that  it is so much more also.   This is not the first, second, third or even tenth time I have read or heard or even been exposed to Radical Unschooling but it is the first time I actually listened to it.

I am not much in to  “the Secret” but that’s just me casting aside the odd thing for the second or third time now. But holy crap…I heard what I was searching for. Fate maybe? I do believe in fate. I didn’t consciously  put it out there, I wasn’t looking for joy at this conference. I was hoping to hear something other than Yes, your unschooler is learning all they need to know, Yes they can go to college, Yes, they will be functioning adults.  But not that I have the power to be happy and joyful right inside me-this whole time! I was there to hear about unschooling- Well I guess I  did put it out there that I wanted to talk about meatier subjects. I wanted a seasoned unschoolers discussion-even worse I helped lead that discussion. (But I am still not sure about “The Secret!”)

Of course I am living off the conference high since we returned but life feels easier and lighter.  Changing MY attitude goes a long way (about 90%) and simply realizing a few things:

*  Everything is a choice-I don’t have to do anything but I can choose to do it (the dishes, taking the dogs out for the 12th time in a row etc..)  Once I choose to do something it takes away the chore or dread and unpleasantness of it. I always thought this was stupid-just psycho babble-I have been humbled!

* Saying Yes  not my knee jerk No-OMG that makes life so much easier!!!!  HELL-O

*Simplifying and lowering expectations goes a long way in lowering stress levels and making everyone happier. -Duh

*My kids don’t care about the future (or the clean house or all the time it took me to plan, get, prepare and clean up food), they care about NOW (they want me NOW, not when I finish something else, to be present NOW,  not listening with one ear while multi-tasking) And they really want me-to spend time with them-what a huge compliment. I should  feel honored that they want to hang out with me!

*My family doesn’t have an agenda or pre meditated reasons for leaving their stuff around, It has nothing to do with me (detachment)so why be resentful??!

So much of this may seem obvious but it has really been a light bulb switching on for me. Some of it is just looking at things differently.  In a nutshell-I went looking for what I thought was Unschooling info and came home with so much more. So much information that I cast away as craziness  or just didn’t pay attention to while hearing it over and over again.  My collection is beginning to grow, so many new treasures and I plan to hold on to each new piece for dear life.

(My husband wants to know why it took me 1,000 words to say this! It was cathartic, honey!)