Pepper Paints

Unschooling And Absolute, Profound Trust

Hello out there. It’s been a while since I have posted. I have had sick kids for what seems like the entire month of Jan! But things are finally looking up!

My local unschooling group has been entertaining the idea of starting a co-op. There has been much discussion on our list. I have been doing a lot of reading and writing about unschooling the past few weeks (it must be Feb.)– I thought I would give my local group a break from my long winded posts and listen to myself over here for a change!

I was listening to a podcast the other day and loved what the lady (who is heading up a free school in Pa) had to say so much I kept rewinding and replaying the interview so I could write it all down:

**Trust is the most important part-Fundamental trust between parent and child. Trust that kids direct their own learning and activities and parents have no agenda or “shoulds”. We are all born curious and if you give support to build on that curiosity tremendous amounts of learning happens in a short amount of time.We trust that kids have that instinct and they will run with it.   Our goal is to  nurture that instinct it and get out of the way.

I remember watching the Astra Taylor video and hearing her talk about how much trust her parents had in her. She used phrases like this to describe her unschooling childhood:

The trust was absolute, Interests were respected. She viewed her parents as- fundamentally encouraging and facilitating . The trust needs to be profound.

Absolute, profound trust. That is huge. Each time I read those words they fill me. I love applying those 3 words to my family– absolute, profound trust. It is scary and liberating and difficult and comforting. They go against everything we are taught.

As for the idea of unschooling being a continuum and where we all fit on that line—that line isn’t always straight, it isn’t always forward moving and it is ever changing. There is no end or finish line. We will never arrive. That is the difference between unschooling and the rest of the world. So for me–re reading the importance of trust always hits right where I need it. My kids age span puts one still sleeping in my bed, another in tweendom and another out driving around in cars with friends. Trust is what I often cling to.

**This is not word for word–I tried-but I think it is pretty close!!

If anyone is/has been part of an unschooling co-op or resource center please leave me a comment. I would love to talk to you more about your experience!

Say “Yes” To The Square….The Chore Called The Summer Reading Program

Earlier this summer I was invited to a  pre-party of our local libraries summer reading program. My kids have always participated in this program. We are a family of readers so it is really a no brainer for us. Reading = get free stuff. Yet,  I didn’t go to the pre party because really in theory I am totally against the idea of rewarding kids with tokens and or coupons for reading. Yes=I am a bit of a party pooper. No, I don’t over analyze everything and get on my soap box tooting my horn at every main stream activity! But I saw this post on Controversial Summer Reading Programs and it gave me just the nudge I needed to finally come out of the closet.

Now, don’t get me wrong I LOVE our library and I especially love my local branch.  We visit our library as well as other neighborhood libraries often. We rely on our library and appreciate all they do for us. But I just can’t get comfortable rewarding kids (or adults) for reading.  I didn’t (still don’t) want my librarians to know this-I am embarrassed to admit this to them. I just don’t have very high hopes that they could even begin to understand my reasons. They see me as one of their best patrons and I feel like I am letting them down by knocking  their attempts to get kids into the library and reading more. Rewards for this, rewards for that, rewards for reading over the summer too?  There must be a better way.

I don’t live in the dark-I realize that most every family  lives by these arbitrary rewards.  ( Some may even try to call them incentives.)  Homes and schools are run this way; allowance for chores, stickers for pizza parties, candy for potty training, money or presents for good grades.   I call them –just another way to coerce kids into doing what adults want. It’s all a cover up kids!!

Back to reading programs–It is true that these programs start off working as an incentive to read or at least to check out more books. (which is great for libraries–higher circulation is a primary goal of libraries. Higher circulation = more money)  Kids gear up by visiting the library and checking out lots of books and that is a great thing! Then  for 20 minutes–(checking the clock the whole time) they/you  read a book and then get to mark off a square. How many times do they bring that sheet to you asking, “Can I mark off another one? Can you read some more—-so I can mark off another one?”  See what I am getting at? It may seem like it’s all for the love of reading but it’s not–it’s for the love of filling in the stupid square and the the stupid free bookmark or  book bag or back pack that they are rewarded for finishing the summer reading program. How many parents get pissed off and just tell their kids–”Fine! Just mark off 1 square!”  *(clue #1 -kids know if they finish quickly they will get their reward)

I wonder if this reading enthusiasm wanes after they get that backpack?  We hope not-we hope the Summer reading Program turns kids into “readers” but it is doubtful that book marks and bike raffles are going to have that lasting effect on young readers.* (clue #2-once kids get there prize they are not keeping up the frantic reading pace) There is an alternative.  Really, you can avoid all those yucky feelings about keeping track of the chore called The Summer Reading Program.

As I said earlier–We are readers and my kids participate in the summer reading program and yet I am against rewards for reading. But I have a sneaking suspicion other families are going about filling in there squares a little differently than we are. As  readers, we read books, the newspaper, magazines, listen to books on tape as well as podcasts. We read while on the computer and while playing games and writing out lists or following directions both in the car at the grocery and while texting and while cooking.  These same encounters with reading are happening in your family too I bet. Reading is reading. Not just when you set the timer and read from a book.  Sort of how you can’t stop learning new things, and how school isn’t the only place to learn them. Well the summer reading program, like schools leads you to believe that reading occurs in a box  and rewarding this not only takes the enjoyment out of it but it belittles the sheer act of reading by placing an extrinsic reward on it.  I know I am a party pooper! I love a good book and totally love snuggling up with my kids to share a story. And I am all for that kind of reading too!! (I know there is a difference between reading a book and day to day literacy) But for us, ALL reading counts towards those little squares. If my kids ask if they can fill in a square I always say of course you can! See, it doesn’t matter if the timer was set or the reading was taken from a library book. You can feel just fine in saying “Yes to the square”–it’s not cheating. Use it as an opportunity to show your kids just how much they are reading. Probably more than you and they think!

So, we don’t keep track of how long my kids read from a book that someone else deems as legitimate reading material and thinking I need to make sure my kids are following the rules of the program or keeping it secret that I let little Johnny fill in a few extra squares (even though we quit reading at 15 minutes instead of 20).  In the end it is all about the prizes for the kids. Yes, they may be reading more for a short time during the summer but isn’t there a better way other than tricking them into it? And why does reading have to be a competitive sport? Isn’t it meant for totally selfish purposes?! Getting the facts and pure enjoyment?

I am not fooled by these programs–we read all the time. We feel fine filling in the squares and taking advantage of the coupons that we can use to get good stuff! I don’t use these programs to coerce my kids into pressured reading for extrinsic rewards. If you think I am batty-which is fine-you can check out what best selling author, Alfie Kohn has to say on the subject!! There are studies that prove these reward based programs are even hurting your summer reading program participants.

Can’t libraries offer new and exciting programs to lure kids in. Come on–get with the times. Kids read while playing video games!! Bring in some game designers and pull some of those books off the shelves. No, they may not be the classics but they are full of words and kids like them! Have an American Girl Summer Reading Club complete with doing some of the crafts from the books-reading the directions as well as the stories. Have a skate boarding or break dancing demo with those non fiction books pulled as well as those that lead the demo share some of their favorite books.  Have a rapping story time. Wouldn’t that be awesome?! Comic book writers could hold a workshop also. ( I am full of ideas if you want to hire me!!!)

I know there is so much more that is behind those little boxes that I don’t have answers to. Not all kids  live in literacy rich homes. But really , it is just not right to give kids stickers for reading. Don’t be fooled by thinking success equals a high number of participants and circulation. Don’t be fooled that these programs are producing kids that love to read. Maybe these summer readers are really fooling you-

*clues #1 and #2 show just how kids know how to work this rewards system

Our Holiday in Review

I absolutely love where we live. I also love tradition. I go out of my way to make sure we are making  memories together and carrying on family traditions. The 4th of July is one holiday steeped in tradition that  my kids really look forward to. Growing up, my parents always had a big 4th of July party–it started in the morning with everyone coming over for breakfast outside. Family came and went all day long. We swam and ate and then  moved the party into the garage in the evening. My dad and older cousins would blow off fire works in our back yard and a great time was had by all.

The apple must not fall too far from the tree.  We start each 4th of July at our Clintonville Community Breakfast. We walk over to the park early in the morning to begin our day.

One or more of my kids always participates in the pet parade

Then there is the fishing derby

And the party preparation

It is the part of the day that is the calm before the storm. Because the next thing I remember– It looked more like this

And this

This was before the fireworks show and the post fireworks snacking!! It was a late night. And today after cleaning all that up, I took a long nap–in the air conditioning. Hope your Holiday weekend was both fun and relaxing!!

Reminding Myself To Say, “Yes, Kids! Yes, You Can!” More Often

Ice Cream for Dinner? Yes!

So, when my almost 15 yr old son asks for the 1 millionth time if he can drive home, I say YES – when you have your temps. And when he asks to drive around a vacant parking lot, I say YES. When my kids ask for ice cream for breakfast, I say YES- because you only live once and what really is the difference between good ice cream and a bowl of cereal or a yogurt?  Both are Dairy and sugar…. maybe some fiber? When my kids ask to have a friend spend the night, YES on Friday. Instead of the typical, NO! It’s Tuesday night and your Dad has to and I have to and  blah   blah   blah…(I bet I lost them at NO). Yet when I say YES, even if it is YES tomorrow, YES next time, YES I’ll ask Dad, YES when the moon falls from the sky…..They hear YES. It buys me some time to decide if I really need to say NO or can I somehow make this happen for them.

Saying YES is a meeting in the middle and my kids are really appreciating this. I would love to be able to give my kids everything they want, even their crazy, ridiculous requests! And each time I begin with a YES it feels like I can, even if it is when pigs fly.

I wrote this post back in March for another blog but was thinking a lot about it yesterday. I needed the reminder to take a deep breath and start off with “Yes” instead of  the arbitrary  “No” Old habits die hard-or maybe it’s the heat getting to my brain!

Unsupervised Kids With Kool Aid …. gasp!

If you ever pass me while running you may wonder why I am smiling or giggling-it’s probably because I am listening to a funny podcast. I love to listen to podcasts and while I run is a good time to try keeping up with them all. Lately I have been listening to  The Moth, RadioLab, This American Life, Fresh Air—Love NPR!

Recently I listened to House On Loon Lake on This American Life. The story takes place in the 1970′s –back when I was a kid. The main character, Adam,  and his friends are pretty  young-I think the story begins when he is about 10. (I listened to this several weeks ago so I forget the exact details but have been stirring up this post in my head ever since)  Adam  and his friends discover an abandon house during their summer vacation. To quote from the website:

Adam Beckman tells the first part of his story, about how, back in the 1970s, he and his friends broke into an abandoned house in the small town of Freedom, New Hampshire. The home turned out to be a perfect time capsule, containing the furniture, letters and personal effects of an entire family … abandoned for decades. It seemed like the family just vanished one day, leaving salt and pepper shakers on the table, notes on the bedroom mirror, and a wallet with money still inside. Adam and his friends read the letters, saving some as clues, and never forgot.

The thing that really struck me about this story is the fact that these young boys spent their summer vacation-unsupervised, sifting through this abandon house for an entire summer.They were having an adventure of a lifetime. But the fact that they were actually having this adventure is what is so cool to me. Their time was their own. It was their summer vacation. It wasn’t over scheduled with sports  practices and games and camps and mini-classes and summer gym to free up an hour during the regular school year to cram in more credits for real classes. Nope–no schedules. It was summer vacation.

I too grew up in the 7o’s with this same sort of “supervision”. “Where you going? Be home by dinner time ” mentality. My parents weren’t any more permissive than other parents. They weren’t driving us around and taking us to see every cool thing that came through our town. We occupied ourselves. We rode our bikes, played in the woods and in fields. We went to the pool and ate candy and ice cream and drank pop on a regular basis.  There were few parents at the pool and even fewer at the park. We weren’t obese, we weren’t hovered over, there weren’t too many expectations of us other than maybe 1 practice and 1 baseball game a week, don’t leave your bike behind the car or in the sun because your kick stand would melt into the hot asphalt( and my Dad didn’t like that.)

We ran the neighborhood and beyond. On Friday or Saturday nights my family would gather at my cousins where we would eat steak ,baked potatoes , baked beans and salad and then run their neighborhood, sneaking into the golf course and playing kick the can across all the neighbors yards until well after the 11 o’clock news when  Hoolihan and Big Chuck would start.

I would often spend the night at my cousins and in the morning we would get up and have our “cherry bread” for breakfast. (white bread dunked in cherry kool aid–it was awesome!) Then we would get on our bikes or skate boards and ride down the big hill and hang out on Euclid Ave and in Coulby Park for the day. When we got too hot we would head over to the library for some AC. If it rained we played in the garage. We didn’t have cell phones and we didn’t keep ID in our pockets “just in case.”  There was no talk of  “stranger danger”  or Mean World Syndrome. (it’s a real phenomenon- I didn’t make that up! But why would we be surprised by this–there is fear and distrust everywhere). And kids today are missing this  freedom.

They are missing spending their childhood in a child like way. Kids are tagged and numbered and scheduled and carted around. They are safely delivered to their destination that is well with in walking or biking distance. They are helmeted, sun-screened and not allowed to trust their instincts. Don’t walk in the woods, check for ticks,  watch out for poison ivy, stay out of the mud, call as soon as you get there and wash your hands. Don’t talk to strangers, don’t dill dally and who are you talking to on the Internets?  Parents are making sure to cover ALL the safety bases these days! Kids have so many rules and regulations that when they do get a little bit of free time they don’t even know how to handle it. Let alone how are they going to handle life with out Mom and Dad breathing down their necks and telling them what to do. Can you say–go crazy with all the new found freedom?!

I will not and do not live like this. I want my kids to do daring and dangerous stuff. I want them to know their world and have a handle on it. Go–be independent and figure stuff out with your friends. If you need me I am here. ( But funny thing is, they don’t need me too much for that kind of stuff. They are self reliant and self confident in their world. ) I am a hands on parent but only to a certain degree.  And I think living in the real world where they are making real decisions makes all the difference.  I am not scheduling their days or their play dates  or their bed times. I want them to go into the world, the park, the woods, the bus,  the mall, the library, to restaurants and stores by themselves without me there controlling what they buy and how they spend THEIR money.  They are perfectly capable to interact with kids and adults and make most of their own decisions.

At a conference I attended John Taylor Gatto talked about how when Richard Branson was young his Mom took him for a drive and then stopped the car and asked if he knew the way home. He said he did and she told him to walk. He did and said it was one of the greatest learning experiences of his life. Extreme-yes.  But following your kid around with an appointment book and a bottle of water and a protein bar is also ridiculous.  Let them go. They crime rate in this country is at a 30 year low!!! For goodness sake–turn off your 24 hr news updates and quit reading all the bad news in the newspaper.  Read this article about how CSI Changed Parenting.  Don’t be so afraid to let your kids play outside and maybe even unattended! Let them have adventures. Chances are more than good that they will be unharmed and fine!! And the chances are even grater that they will have fun and learn more real life stuff  than you could ever artificially  schedule for them.

So who is going to join me on  Saturday May 22 for TAKE YOUR CHILD TO THE PARK AND LEAVE THEM THERE day??? Maybe this could be a small step for those who fear the reaper…leave your kids for just a short amount of time until you can get used to the idea that they will be fine with out you. And they can realize just how powerful they are to be able to navigate the playground on their own. There is still time. Summer break is still about a month away. You have time to wean your self from each other just a little bit so that kids can have real, unsupervised adventures this summer!

And don’t send them with water–send kool-aid–they like it better and chances are–that’s not gonna kill them either

I Am An Unschooling Geek

Taken from Enjoy Life Unschooling’s April blog carnival theme

This months theme is “To Open”.

• The name April is of Latin origin, and its meaning is “to open”.
• What does that mean to you?
  
• What doors do Radical Unschooling open?
• How have you “opened” since discovering unschooling?

Have fun, get messy, make mistakes

What does open mean to me?           To be ready to experience things that come my way. To let go of preconceived ideas and notions of things or the way things “should be.” Not letting fear run my life.  This is something I have to work on everyday. Acceptance of things the way they are.  This is hard for me because I like to be in control. It is comforting for me. In some ways this is a really good trait. I am organized and love taking care of details. But I can go overboard too.  Yet, the more I let go and open myself up the easier it is becoming to really live in the moment and trust that things will work out the way they are meant to.  I don’t have to try to control everything to go my way. What a relief!

What doors do Radical Unschooling open for me?          Most of my control is just an illusion but still a comforting one.  So I get how hard the idea of unschooling is for some people. Just the idea of letting go of all that control you think you have is really hard. But when I do let go, little by little it becomes easier to free myself of so much baggage.  I can really see  and feel who I really am. Not who I was” supposed to be” or how my neighbors see me or who friends think I am. But who I was meant to be.                                                                                                                                                                            Learning to let go of the seeming control I had over my kids has been huge! Fighting over arbitrary rules because I thought that they were necessary. Doing things just because everyone else was and what would they think if we didn’t?!  How awesome that my kids can have this true love and acceptance now. They don’t have to wait until they are adults to lose all kinds of crap; assumptions and expectations that were put upon them  just to  eventually find themselves—the selves they were born to be.  They were born to be just who they are supposed to be  until we try to change them to fit a mold to make things run seemingly smoother.  I say seemingly because now I know how much easier  an unschooling life is.  How much easier it is to live life on our terms everyday instead of the school systems way or our parents way or the mainstream way.  Our life is not an illusion. It is everyday real!

How have I opened since discovering unschooling?           Unschooling has opened this path for me. The real trust that you have to find and develop to unschool has opened my family up to so many possibilities. To choices I never knew were there. We really are free to make decisions, not coerced or biased decisions but what we really want. And we can do that because we are open to support and trust each other.                                                                                                                    And now to show just what an unschooling geek that I am:  I relate everything in my life to unschooling. It is so weird how I find evidence everyday, multiple times, that shows me just how right and perfect this unschooling path is. I hear a story on the radio or I read something,  I see someone loving what they are doing.  All things that don’t have anything to do with unschooling per say–but somehow I can find a link. Just another way unschooling has opened me up to hearing and seeing more and more just how natural unschooling really is—ok I’ll stop now! (I told you I was a geek)

I tried to fix the funny spacing–(that isn’t there on purpose)–but the spaces aren’t on my draft-sorry.

Unschooling On Good Morning America And In The Mainstream

Where to start?! The media is, well the media. They are a business.  They feature stories that will boost ratings.  They use shock value  to stir up attention and in turn receive more viewers.

So why we are surprised by  both the Good Morning America and the  Discovery Health reports on Unschooling?  They are typical examples of  biased reporting.  Both were short segments filled more with shock value than facts and true glimpses into real unschooling.

Mainstream America just doesn’t get Unschooling. They aren’t going to.  For heavens sake only about 25% of American adults have a face book account. I thought everybody was on face book! So imagine how the majority of the world could possibly understand Unschooling?  Especially with the shows that Discovery Health and Good Morning America put out. Yet, it is so easy for me to forget that we are radical. It is so easy for me to forget that my family is so different than almost everybody else.

Partly because I don’t reflect the mainstream and haven’t for so long.  I have my own  fairly large community that I identify with. I belong to a food co-op and rarely shop at Kroger and I love my public radio station where they don’t play anything you have ever heard of. —–That’s weird…… Yeah, I guess.  I recycle, compost, use cloth napkins, shop at the thrift store and line dry my clothes—-Oh, your one of those hippies!….. OK.  My kids don’t go school—-Oh, you homeschool? Will you always do that? Do they socialize with other kids? ……No,we Unschool—— Huh?????? Like those crazy people on TV? Did you see that, they let their kids eat donuts for breakfast—– That is main steam media for you!

I don’t sit round and think about how different we are. We just live. We aren’t purposeful in every move we make. We aren’t living for “the unschooling movement.” We don’t look different. We don’t walk or talk differently. (well maybe a little differently   ) Our daily life is pretty uneventful to the outside world. We get up and go about our day just like everyone else. Only we have learned a little secret that seems so unfathomable to the rest of the world.    Choice

We all have them. Really we do have  choices in everything we do. Yes, some choices make life harder than others but  we have choices in life. And as Unschoolers we have made many, many unpopular choices.

Kids don’t have to go to school–gasp! They don’t have to get up at a certain time of day to be productive—gasp! They don’t even have to be told to learn!  No, really, it’s just automatic. Adults may think they have control over what kids are leaning but kids and adults everywhere are learning ALL THE TIME!

I googled learning and Wikipedia gave me this: (from a very mainstream source even!)

Learning is a process you do, not a process that is done to you. Traditional education focuses on teaching, not learning. It incorrectly assumes that for every ounce of teaching there is an ounce of learning by those who are taught. However, most of what we learn before, during, and after attending schools is learned without it being taught to us. A child learns such fundamental things as how to walk, talk, eat, dress, and so on without being taught these things. Adults learn most of what they use at work or at leisure while at work or leisure. Most of what is taught in classroom settings is forgotten, and much or what is remembered is irrelevant

1. ^ Russell L. Ackoff and Daniel Greenberg (2008), Turning Learning Right Side Up: Putting Education Back on Track (pdf) HTML. Retrieved February 18, 2010.
2. ^ Greenberg, H. (1987), “The Art of Doing Nothing,” The Sudbury Valley School Experience. Retrieved February 18, 2010.
3. ^ Mitra, S. (2007) Sugata Mitra shows how kids teach themselves (video – 20:59). Minimally Invasive Education, Retrieved February 18, 2010.

These choices we have made are hard. And Unschooling is a journey of sorts. The vast majority of unschoolers did not wake up one day and decide to make all of these radical choices in one day. But it is easy to forget that.

Beginning with following your heart and letting go of what other people think. It’s your life –who care’s what other people think.  Really–let that go and be the real you. We only have one this one life to live. Live it the way you want to.

Then giving up  the ” should do’s”  and the  “have to’s”.   Really question why you are doing things. Do you really want to? Or are you just doing them because you should do them? What will really happen if you don’t do them? Can you live with that result? Can you make a different choice to get the end result you want?  Then make your decision based on that. It  is a process.  These choices we have made seem so normal and automatic to us now that sometimes we forget how the other 99% of the world is living.  There really are so few have to’s in our lives but we assume that we must do way too many of them. Don’t follow blindly. I want to make my life just what I want it to be. And fill it with what I want. You can to. You have a choice.

So to the outside world our life may seem uneventful but really it’s just the opposite. Really we are choosing to exercise our choices. We aren’t living lives full of have to’s. We are living fully everyday. Not just on the weekends or when we go on vacation. Not just when we have time. And you can too. You have a choice–to put your kids in school or homeschool or really trust yourself and  live your one life freely and Unschool.